Part 5: The finale

Labour and childbirth: the journey of how you came into this world!

‘I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord , the Maker of heaven and earth.’ Psalms 121:1-2

Thia,

Finally, the time had come! It was the 14^th of October and I was to be admitted to the hospital in the evening. I was nervous, excited, scared, and so many other things that I couldn’t define. Through all this, I tried to maintain my composure from the outside, to seem calm and like a lady boss.

So as I was planning my birth, Dr. Rajnish had shown us all the different birthing rooms: the general birthing room (where 7 to 8 women give birth at once and husbands aren’t allowed in), the luxury birthing room (where I am allowed one visitor, so the rest of the family has to be outside), and the deluxe birthing room (where there is a birthing room and then a lounge with a restroom for all the family you want with you as you give birth). Now I wanted the third room, because Mano aunty had told me about this room, and after seeing it, I was sure that this where I wanted to give birth. One reason being that I knew there would be a lot of family with me, and I wanted them to be comfortable as they waited for you to make your entry into this world. So I had conveyed all of this, planned the birthing room, which was to be followed by the AC patient room after, to the hospital. They had informed me that room would be based on availability, so if there was another person occupying the room on the day I delivered, I would be moved to whatever may be available then, maybe even the general birthing room. The thought of this scared me and kept me awake many nights.

When the day finally came, I got to know from the hospital that the deluxe room was under maintenance and would not be available, so I would have to go for the luxury birthing room. I was so upset and was sure that this was the start of a sequence of bad things that would follow. Appa consoled me and told me that everything what is happening and what will happen, will happen as per God’s plan and that we should learn to trust in Him.

So we got packed up and left to the hospital. Here is a picture of me just as we left that day:

We went into emergency, where I was put on a wheelchair and taken to the birthing room. Now appa went to pay the admission fees, and thatha and I went up to the room. So there was a small confusion that happened here, and the nurse took me to the general ward thinking that was where I was going to give birth. I was livid and told them no, I am going to the luxury room. Anyways, long story short, they finally realized their mistake and took me to the right room. I went in and was asked to change to the hospital gown and weight. Amma weighed exactly 100kgs the day I was admitted to deliver. So appa got his wish, I hit a century 😀

Once I was admitted and comfortable, the on-call doctor came in and informed me of what they planned to do. They were to induce me around 9, and then I would have my dinner, and rest and wait for the contractions to start. 3 hours later, they would come and check if I had started dilating, and would induce me once more. So that is what happened, I was induced at about 9, then the nurses came in with food for both of us, complete meals considering I wouldn’t be eating for a long amount of time after that. After the dilation, I waited for the contractions to start but didn’t seem to have any. Three hours later, they came in and checked and induced me again. I did start to have very mild contractions at this point. I was told to rest till about 6 in the morning when I would be given an enema to clear my stomach.

I slept for a couple of hours and woke up to the joy of an enema! I ate a quick sandwich before this and once I had cleared my stomach, Dr. Rajnish came in around 8 and checked my dilation and told me I am slowly progressing and that he would break my water, as it hadn’t yet naturally broken. So that is what he did, he took this wriggly scissor and cut my water bag open and I felt a gush of water flow out. He then asked me if I still wanted the deluxe room, as the room was being cleaned and would be ready soon. I told him yes, and he informed the nurses to check on the room status and move me up to the deluxe room as soon as it is ready. In between all this conversation, he also mentioned to the nurses that they can administer an epidural if I decided that I need one. So appa and I had decided that we would not get one no matter what, and Lachi periamma had explained the many side effects of getting one to me. We had discussed this so that we would both be aligned on what we wanted and there would be no confusion in the hospital when the time came and I begged for one.

So this is when the actual fun began, within the next half hour I felt the contractions steadily increase. Shekar thatha, at this point, came in to see me, and got super stressed and went into the chapel to pray. He didn’t return until I was shifted into my new room.

So getting back to my contractions: the pain felt like something I have never experienced before, a pain from the lower back to the abdomen and vaginal area, every contraction lifting your body up from the bed, almost to the point where you would be sure that your spine would snap in half. I had my Santosh and Lachi periamma with me, guiding me through the contractions, reminding me to breathe. Ok let me now explain to you the story behind this breathing exercise:

When I was pregnant with Moses and miscarried, I was rushed into the hospital and induced to push out the remnants (which included the placenta). So when I was going through these contractions, Geetha paati taught me how to breathe through the pain: inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth! Throughout that night in the hospital, she kept screaming at me to do that and I finally got it right. So it was almost like she prepared me for delivering you way back then, like she knew that I would need to be taught this.

Ok, so getting back to where we were, I followed the breathing exercise to the dot, very rarely screaming out of frustration (and being reminded not to immediately). So within an hour, the contractions went from being every 5 minutes to being every 2-3 minutes, and I was still waiting to be moved to the deluxe room. The nurse checked a couple of times and they said its almost ready. At about 11 (I may not be totally accurate on the time), the nurse said the room is ready and asked me if I still want to move. Santosh said no she doesn’t want to, but I cut him off and said if u can take me in a stretcher then I want to, but I can’t walk. The nurse said that is possible and I was moved to a stretcher and before I was wheeled out, the nurse asked me not to scream while I’m being wheeled to the top floor as it would scare other patients. I was so nervous that I would get another contraction midway and prayed that I wouldn’t get one.

I got wheeled till the lift, and as I waited there (the lifts always take a while in a hospital), I got another contraction and I almost screamed and the nurse was like shhhhhh so I just bit my teeth and controlled myself. Oh, Thia, it was so horrible, and at that moment I slightly regretted being stubborn about wanting that room. The contraction passed eventually and we reached the room! The moment I entered the room and was being wheeled into the labour room past the guest lounge, I knew I was going to throw up. And throw up I did indeed, I filled two kidney bowls with vomit. Once I went in and was moved to the bed, my contraction came back, and wow, was it intense. By then, Dr. Rajnish and the on-call doctor had been checking in to see how far I had dilated. I was about 6 or 7 cms dilated by then and had another 3 to 4 cms to go (I am giving as much detail as I can remember).

Over the periods of the next few hours, the contractions got more intense and were coming within shorter intervals. By then I knew that everyone was in the next room waiting for me to deliver. Everyone being Sugandhi paati, Lachi periamma, Sneha periamma, Shekar thatha, and Rahul anna. Mami paati was on a flight to Bangalore and was going to land and come straight to the hospital. You won’t believe it, but your Rahul anna was only 18 years old and still chose to wait outside my room the whole day till you arrived and was one of the first people to hold you.

Nothing in the world can prepare you for this glorious process of bringing a baby into this world, and nothing but God can take you through it, trust me on this!

‘Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ‘ Matthew 19:26

I was in so much pain, each contraction worse than the previous one. As I said before, for every contraction, appa and Lachi periamma were holding and pushing my lower back to give me an extent of relief. They were also continuously encouraging me to push through the contractions (not literally, it wasn’t yet time to start pushing), to breathe right and not scream; and were giving me water and juice to sip on through it all and keep me hydrated.

After a point, the contractions were coming in with hardly a minutes break and were at their highest intensity. I was slowly starting to give up, sure that I wouldn’t get through this ever. So many thoughts were going through my head, most of which I wouldn’t want to share with you and scare you. Shekar thatha could hear all the screaming from outside and could only remember Geetha paati in labor years back (with me). He came in to see me and got a little scared, and went and told appa to tell them to do a c-section if natural delivery wasn’t working out. Sneha periamma calmed him down and he and Sugandhi paati (she also came in to see me and freaked out) went for a coffee. After that Shekar thatha went into the hospital chapel again and started praying and asking God to speed the whole delivery process and for a safe and healthy baby and mommy (me).

By now, the on-call doctor who was now in the room supervising my contractions had checked and told me I was 9 cms dilated and could start pushing really soon. Everyone started preparing for your arrival, the baby bed with the UV light, and all the other medical stuff kept ready, most of which I didn’t notice because I was busy going through one of the toughest trials of my life. I, on the other hand, was continuously begging that I just want an epidural. Appa and Lachi periamma kept sternly and loudly telling me that I won’t be getting one. Appa kept reminding me that God is my strength and that I can do this and don’t need an epidural or anything else.

There came a point around now when I could feel myself falling asleep between contractions, I was just so tired and couldn’t keep myself up. Appa, by the way, had been standing next to me since morning, and hadn’t even peed or taken a break for anything! He asked Lachi periamma if he could go to pee quickly, and she asked him to go when I was closing my eyes between my contractions. I didn’t even notice him leave, but a minute later, another contraction came and he wasn’t next to me! The way I screamed and called him, he came out running from the loo, zipping up as he came and I was so angry at him for leaving me.

Even Lachi periamma walked out and sent Sneha periamma to stay till she comes back and I was so angry at her too for leaving me, I basically made everyone’s life difficult that day. When Sneha periamma was standing with me, she tried making some jokes, and I just stared at her. Appa told her, “Sneha she’s literally killing you with her eyes.” Even though I was getting irritated then, I was also so very happy to have her with me, supporting me in her own way.

The different emotions that went through me, so clearly I remember them all. As I got closer, I started weeping that I wanted my amma and I didn’t want to do this without her. I remember crying uncontrollably, and Sugandhi paati coming and consoling me and going.

Anyways, so the doctor checked me again and I was 10 cms dilated and ready. She told the nurses and everyone else to prepare for delivery and asked for Dr. Rajnish to be called in. He was in the operation theatre in the middle of a critical delivery. So they prepped and waited. I had the nurses, the doctor, appa and Lachi periamma encouraging me, keeping me awake and getting me mentally ready to push. I remember the doctor telling me to bring my knees to my chest and start pushing when I start feeling something bearing down (you), a feeling similar to taking a dump when you’re constipated. Just as she was saying that, Dr. Rajnish walked in and talked me through the pushing process, repeating the same as the other doctor and adding that I need to grit my teeth and push; and not scream while pushing at all! So when you scream and push, all the force comes from your lungs, which is not what we want. Instead, when you grit your teeth and push, you are exerting all your energy from your lower abdomen, helping push the baby out.

And so I started pushing. After the second push, your head was visible and appa saw it and told me he could see it. The nurse then told appa and Lachi periamma to stand and watch at the door as the room was getting too crowded. I was so scared as I told appa bye, but he told me to be strong, and that God is in control, and walked away.

At that point, doc told me to stop pushing and rest my legs on the stirrups when I didn’t feel the bearing down, to conserve my pushing energy for when I did feel it. I had a room full of nurses and doctors shouting at me to push, encouraging me with strong words. It was a totally different feeling in that room that day. I pushed and pushed and I could hear them saying, “You’re doing it Subah, the shoulder is out, one more push and you’re done. Push really hard.” And I did just that, I pushed with all the force I could muster! I felt something really big pass and slide out of me and instantly I felt light, you were out!

A moment later, through all the instructions and orders flying around, I heard you cry, and I lay back and knew I was crying too but no tears came out (I was probably dehydrated). So I wasn’t wearing my glasses at this point and I could see everything only hazily, and you were an unclear blob. I kept asking is it a boy or a girl, but I guess I wasn’t audible cause I was actually just whispering. I tried to pay attention to the conversation to catch any word that would indicate if you were a boy or girl, but couldn’t follow anything. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, doc brought you in front of me when I asked again if it was a boy or girl. He asked me to see and tell, and because I didn’t have my glasses, I thought you were a boy and said: “it’s a boy”.

This is when God’s words to me came true!

‘“Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. ‘ Mark 11:23

He said, “No Subah, look closer!”, and I looked, realized, and screamed, “Santosh, it’s a girl”. Do you remember the dream I told you of where I saw this and named you with two very powerful names? That is what happened, the day before we delivered, we had finalized on Thia Zidane for a girl and Mateo Zidane for a boy, both meaning abundant gift from God! You were given in my hands and I probably held you for a few seconds before you were taken away again. So I got really impatient and that is when doc told me to be patient as they had to stitch me up first. That’s when I was super confused and asked him when did he cut me. He smiled and said didn’t you realise when I gave you an anesthetic and cut you open right before you pushed, and right after baby head started crowning. I did not even realise when all this happened. Anyways, long story short, I was stitched up and I felt every stitch, but somehow my restlessness to hold you numbed the pain for me. I kept asking the on-call doctor who was stitching me, “How much longer?” cause I was so restlessly waiting to hold you.

I was brimming with energy and excitement, jealous cause I could hear everyone holding you outside, but not me! I didn’t feel like someone who just pushed out a baby after 8 hours of labour, I felt renewed, rejuvenated and pumped with energy; all glory to God for everything!

‘For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. ‘ Psalms 84:11

15 minutes later, I was stitched up and ready to hold you, I sat up and you came into my arms for the first time, here is a picture of the moment:

So that is how you made your grand entrance into this world and became the center of our world. This brings us to the end of this series of letter Thia, I hope that whenever you read this, you will understand now why you were and are the most important person in the world to me, and will always be.

My God lived up to his promise to me and gave me you!

Here are a few pictures from the 15^th of October, 2018:

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