I am all of these.
And more…
Daughter.
Friend.
Sister.
Woman.
Me.
Different roles.
Different versions of me.
I’m doing it all.
Juggling the different parts of life.
Nothing fails.
Nothing falls.
As long as I am on top of it all.
But who am I
when I’m not?
You knew me
You saw me, my strengths and my flaws
Yet you loved me
You protected me
You defended me
No one can replace you
or fill the emptiness you left behind
Why do you love me?
I will never understand…
Why did you choose to lift me up
Why did you choose to give me hope
Even when I lost all of myself
Why did you keep me breathing
When many wished me dead
Why did you bring me out of that bottomless void
And show me where I could be instead
Why do you love me
I will never understand
Blessing upon blessing, I can’t even count
I can never understand but I shall never doubt
Your love, mercy, and blessings
They’re my everything
Having you in my life, Jesus
Has given my life new meaning.
The sound of silence
When I call out to you
And you don’t respond!
The uncrossable distance
Between you and me,
And knowing that I will never be near you again…
My messages unresponded to
My calls to you fail every time
All I have left with me are
Memories and all the things you left behind.
But, now that you’re gone and
I’m left here alone,
Six years it’s been and I wonder:
With you no more with us,
What value do your things have?
When they no more smell of you,
or they no more feel like you?
What is the point of holding on to these physical belongings,
When your physical presence has left us so long ago!
From the first day ten years back
Till today (or the last time I saw you)
You loved me…
From the day you first met me
You fed me and cared for me
Like I was one of your own!
Hot chapatis and chicken curry
That is what I remember of the first day
Long drives and a fun day out
That’s what brought us together
You made me your family
Much before we officially tied the knot
You made me feel at home
And gave me the kind of love that can never be forgot
Thank you for everything
You will always live in my heart
My second mom you were
Losing you left me lost
Our lives have been changed
Everything is never going to be the same
Without you, I swear
Some part that connected us all
Is shredded and torn
Goodbye aunty, see you on the other side
Where do I belong
Who do I call my own
Who do I call my home
I wonder
I ponder
I yearn
But now I’ll learn
Answers to some questions
They do no exist
Therefore I rely on my creator
Knowing He loves me is all I need in this world…
I have tried to be everything
I have tried to do everything
I have tried to conquer it all
But yet, I am always seen as the outsider
Who is shut out with a wall.
Wake up, wake up
I need you right now
It’s been way too long since you’ve been gone
Speak up, talk to me
I miss you so much
I didn’t value you when you were here
But I do now
My hearts filled with regrets
My eyes filled with tears
My life is so empty without you near
If life would give me another chance
I’d take it any day
I’ll spend every moment
Every hour, every day
Just being with you
Telling you how much you mean
If life would just give me another chance
I would make your happiness my everything
But that’s not how things work
And I have to accept that you’re gone
Be present in my today
And cherish my loved ones with my all
As the third trimester creeped, we had finalised the house we would be moving in to. We found a newly constructed building that was ready by the third week of October. Soon, my sister moved out to her own place, followed by my dad who found a cozy one bedroom apartment very close to us.
Before we knew it, it was October 15th, and we were celebrating Thia’s second birthday. We got a Masha and the Bear cake made by Mano. Some photos from her special day:
Throughout my pregnancy God’s mighty shield of protection has surrounded me physically and mentally. The number of instances where his protection has been over me are uncountable but here is one that will stay with me forever. One day during my second or third trimester (This is why I shouldn’t have delayed writing this for 3 years almost), I was clearing up the kitchen and the cast iron tawa that we use to make dosa was on the gas stove. Quite absentmindedly, I picked up the tawa with both my hands. When I say both my hands, I mean i held it firm with both my hands, all ten fingers curdled around the pan. What I didn’t know was that the pan was just used, and was piping hot. I held on to the pan for at least 30 seconds before my pregnancy brain sent the signal up to my super slow brain and I felt the heat and kept the pan down.
With how hot the pan was, and the amount of time I held on to it, my hand should have been burned very badly. I panicked and held my hand under the tap for a few minutes and then went and sat down waiting to see blisters. Hours passed by but not a single blister appeared on my hand. Not one at all. And within an hour my skin was not even hurting or burning. What a miracle this was! What a huge huge miracle.
After Thia’s birthday, we started packing up to be prepared for our move to our new house.
The first bad news we got is when the owner informed us that he wasn’t able to get the electricity line connected and that the officials were giving him a hard time but it would be done in a week max.
We decided to start moving our clothes slowly, and moved and arranged most of our clothes in the new house, leaving behind just a few clothes to live in. But a week passed by and we were in the fourth week of October but the electricity wasn’t fixed. I started to panic as I was hardly a month away from my delivery date (December 7 I think). We prayed and waited for things to fall in place and kept moving things slowly. Finally towards the 24th the house was ready and we were scheduled to move on the 26th when the ground floor of our house got filled with sewage water. We had to move to the new place the very next day and it was quite crazy. But God was with us through it all and sent us all the right people to help us. And even though we feared that we’d be paying rent in two places, God had other plans.
The owner in the new house only asked for prorated rent for the last week as the electricity delay was his fault. The owner of our current house gave us back our entire deposit and some more to compensate for the sewage water entering our house (it is very toxic and harmful for the baby). We had blessing after blessing.
Also, my dad being the first person to move out made so much sense because if he had been there when the sewage leak happened on his floor, he would have lost ALL his possessions. God has his way of protecting all of us.
By the first week of November we were moved in and slowly settling into our new home. I was one month away from holding my baby, that’s when the tough times began!
My last month was filled with severe skin irritation (PUPPP), hot flashes, and mood swings. To add to these, My AC took nearly a week to be installed. I would spend every night bathed in sweat and itchy. Through all those tough times, Santosh would give me towels soaked in cold water and ice to help me cool down and relieve the itchiness.
As I have said a zillion times, my husband is my best gift from God.
We got closer to the D day, and my doctor asked me to take a Covid test that would be valid for exactly 14 days (until November 30 – my birthday). Due to my gestational diabetes, I was scheduled for induction at 39 weeks. My doctor gave me the option to get admitted a day before my birthday so I could share my birthday with my baby, or get admitted on my birthday and have baby’s birthday as December 1st. We decided to get admitted on the evening of November 30th, and that’s what we did.
The story of my delivery, and birth of Lionel Santosh will be next.
Hope you enjoyed reading this!
My pregnancy progressed with no obstacles. Movements became stronger by the day and it filled my heart with joy every time I felt him move. I started showing pretty early and also lost between 8-10 kgs in the first and second trimester because of my eating habits. Overall, we were blessed with a peaceful pregnancy, considering we were busy balancing our office work and home work and were up late most nights.
Sometime in July, there were talks about offices opening up in phases and this worried me a bit. I decided to have a talk with my manager and to let him know that I am pregnant. When I chatted with him, by default I took the approach of apologizing for being pregnant, like I was admitting I made a mistake; and I also was more focused on reassuring my manager that my pregnancy would not stop me from performing at the expected levels. His response shocked me. He first asked me not to apologize and congratulated me because a second kid is good news (I knew that but the fear of being judged made me behave otherwise). He went on to tell how good it is to have a second child and that we had made a good decision as a family. He concluded by assuring me that the team, office, and he would help in every way to make my pregnancy easy on me and that I would not be required to come to office until it is completely safe to and only if I want to. He even asked me to send an email including everything we discussed and replied back with a confirmation on the same.
His kind words really made me feel so much comfortable, it showed that as an organization and as a manager, they had my best interests in mind, and treated me like an employee and not a machine. With the way things were going, offices did not open until much much later, sometime in either November or December!
We had to consciously make Thia sleep next to Santosh more, to avoid her kicking or headbutting my stomach by mistake in the night. The transition was hard but Thia made it easy, as always! She was weaned off breastmilk and moved to formula in the first trimester and soon she started to understand when we repeatedly told her that there is a baby in amma’s stomach. One day, sometime between the first and second trimester, Thia lifted my t-shirt up and kissed my stomach and said baby Lion. From that day onwards, she always addressed my stomach as baby Lion and was always aware that she had to be careful around my stomach.
When the movements became more prominent, I started letting her feel the kicks, but it took her till my third trimester to properly feel the kicks herself when I put her hand over my stomach. Through my pregnancy, Thia grew to love her little brother in my stomach, much before he was even born. This truly was a blessed time.
In the mid of 2020, we decided that we would need to shift to a smaller house to be more financially stable. We first discussed making this move sometime in the beginning of 2021. But circumstances changed and we had to prepone our decision to move as early as October itself. After discussions and debates, we decided to move in October so that it won’t be too close to my delivery date. My dad decided to move in to a one bedroom close to us so that he would continue to have his own space and privacy.
Once that was decided, we started mentally preparing ourselves for the move, as we knew this time we had accumulated a lot of stuff and the move was definitely going to be super hard on us 😛
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and through my second trimester, we were able to better refine my diet. Also, with a better understanding of what suited and what didn’t suit me, we were able to keep my sugar under control with almost minimal oral medication, and no insulin, AT ALL!!!
Our anomaly and NT scan went well and baby Lion was growing strong, healthy and flawless, under God’s love and protection. We only regretted not spending as much time talking to Lionel as we did with Thia. Our main focus was to ensure Thia never felt excluded, whilst getting our office work done and keeping the house clean. Now that by itself was a herculean task.
Santosh spent most of last year working day and night! During the day he took care of Thia, and in the nights he worked late to ensure he was meeting deadlines. And he never complained, even once…
I can’t thank God enough for him in my life. The way he is, the way he treats me and our family, is a true testament to his upbringing and faith, all and only God it is!