I am all of these.
And more…
Daughter.
Friend.
Sister.
Woman.
Me.
Different roles.
Different versions of me.
I’m doing it all.
Juggling the different parts of life.
Nothing fails.
Nothing falls.
As long as I am on top of it all.
But who am I
when I’m not?
You knew me
You saw me, my strengths and my flaws
Yet you loved me
You protected me
You defended me
No one can replace you
or fill the emptiness you left behind
Why do you love me?
I will never understand…
Why did you choose to lift me up
Why did you choose to give me hope
Even when I lost all of myself
Why did you keep me breathing
When many wished me dead
Why did you bring me out of that bottomless void
And show me where I could be instead
Why do you love me
I will never understand
Blessing upon blessing, I can’t even count
I can never understand but I shall never doubt
Your love, mercy, and blessings
They’re my everything
Having you in my life, Jesus
Has given my life new meaning.
The sound of silence
When I call out to you
And you don’t respond!
The uncrossable distance
Between you and me,
And knowing that I will never be near you again…
My messages unresponded to
My calls to you fail every time
All I have left with me are
Memories and all the things you left behind.
But, now that you’re gone and
I’m left here alone,
Six years it’s been and I wonder:
With you no more with us,
What value do your things have?
When they no more smell of you,
or they no more feel like you?
What is the point of holding on to these physical belongings,
When your physical presence has left us so long ago!
From the first day ten years back
Till today (or the last time I saw you)
You loved me…
From the day you first met me
You fed me and cared for me
Like I was one of your own!
Hot chapatis and chicken curry
That is what I remember of the first day
Long drives and a fun day out
That’s what brought us together
You made me your family
Much before we officially tied the knot
You made me feel at home
And gave me the kind of love that can never be forgot
Thank you for everything
You will always live in my heart
My second mom you were
Losing you left me lost
Our lives have been changed
Everything is never going to be the same
Without you, I swear
Some part that connected us all
Is shredded and torn
Goodbye aunty, see you on the other side
Where do I belong
Who do I call my own
Who do I call my home
I wonder
I ponder
I yearn
But now I’ll learn
Answers to some questions
They do no exist
Therefore I rely on my creator
Knowing He loves me is all I need in this world…
I have tried to be everything
I have tried to do everything
I have tried to conquer it all
But yet, I am always seen as the outsider
Who is shut out with a wall.
Wake up, wake up
I need you right now
It’s been way too long since you’ve been gone
Speak up, talk to me
I miss you so much
I didn’t value you when you were here
But I do now
My hearts filled with regrets
My eyes filled with tears
My life is so empty without you near
If life would give me another chance
I’d take it any day
I’ll spend every moment
Every hour, every day
Just being with you
Telling you how much you mean
If life would just give me another chance
I would make your happiness my everything
But that’s not how things work
And I have to accept that you’re gone
Be present in my today
And cherish my loved ones with my all
A regular Saturday evening and I’m getting ready to go out
As is always the case, I look to amma and Sneha
“Is what I’m wearing okay?”
Now this is where it begins
Amma says, “Yes it is” simple and straightforward
But, no, there is an objection
Sneha thinks what I’m wearing looks “ridiculous”
Her words, not mine!
Now, this could have gone either way cos the earth will stand still the day these two agree on something.
Same situation, another day…
I ask Sneha to help me choose something to wear
I wear it,
I ask amma again, “Am I looking alright?”
Her response, “Are you going to go out dressed like this?”
But, Sneha wholeheartedly approves this time
These two people, that I love the most in the whole world, will almost never agree on my outfit, among many things… But they are so important to me and have molded me into who I am today, in their own way!
What is life without conflict?
Not one person can honestly say that they have no conflicts with the one they love…
Me and my amma, we always fought!
Me resisting her always, and she always looking out for me
Even when I was at my worst, she loved me and accepted me
Even I was a raging mess, she tolerated me and never kicked me out
She kept my secrets all her life
Took all my pain, and hid it deep within her
She knew that my actions did not define me as a person
And made sure I knew that too, in her own special way
That’s just how it was for us and that’s exactly how we liked it.
Now that my amma is no more,
There have been many days that I’ve wished that I’d done things differently
Listened to her more
Not fought back as much as I did
Been a little less of a brat
Picked fewer fights
Helped her more, and so on
But then I think, if I had done all this would she still mean the same to me, or more?
We spend so much of our time focused on the “What ifs?”
Why can’t we instead focus on the good memories?
When we do that, we’ll realise that we have so many good memories to fall back on
Memories that make you remember how your amma was always the best, even when she didn’t let you have curd rice for dinner 🙂
Memories like waking up in the middle of the night, and going to sleep next to her and appa because you’ve wet your bed
Waking up to the smell of hot food every morning and running straight into the kitchen from bed to see what’s cooking for lunch
Followed by amma asking me to brush my teeth before rushing out like that
Sometimes annoying weekends when amma would make us help her clean the house to get it ready for Diwali followed by the happiness of awesome veg kurma or macaroni and sometimes even cake to reward us for helping her
Amma calling my mobile from the next room in a 2 bedroom apartment, asking me to come and press her back or sometimes to just come and switch off the light once she’s done reading
Getting ready for work and speaking to amma all the way to work, even when there is nothing to speak
Sending pictures of dishes I cooked all by myself while staying alone, and calling her to see what she thought of the dish based on how it looked in a photo
All these memories, some good, some bad, defined our relation
Even though there is not one day that goes by without me missing her and wanting her back
I know that my memories with her will always stay with me
and I will not look back anymore with regrets of how I could have done this and that differently
Because what we had was great, and what we had made us closer in our own way!
